Since you’re drunk, I think now is the perfect time to tell a story on tumblr. Would you like to tell one of the shark stories or explain why you’re terrified of swans?



FUCK. OKAY. So first thing frist I’m changing everyone’s name because these guys are my friends and I already messed one gy up because I drunkenly told this story to his cousin and now she holds it over him.

Anywyas this story is pretty fucking appropriate because we were drunk like 900% of the time when we were all living together so oviously I should tell it while drunk.

Anyways I used to be in a band. Im not telling ou our name because we suked. But ;yeahwe all lived together in this awesome ass aartment. It was this fukcing rad apartment that our landlord used to live in. It was literally the fifth floor of our building and it was the BEST. We fucking ruined that place.

Someone remind me to talk about the roommate that would drill holes in his wall after parties. Pr the kitchen fires. Or the fireworks. Or the time we made our neighbor set his bathroom on fire. Or the jakuzi that alkmost electrocuted our fired. We fucked up a lot there.

Anyways I had this one roommate well call him Paul. Paul was a fucking stock genius he works at a firm now but he made like $20k a year in college because he just fucking new how the market would go. He had somuch fucking cash and he was so fucking nice if you were short on rent or couldn’t afford food he’d spot you no questions I fucking love him full homo bvut only if he wants it Consent is important kids.

So yea Paul had mad cash but Paul also had a fucking problem. I mean we al had problems but Pauls problem was online shopping. Motherfucker loved online shopping. But only when he was drunk, and alwasy some crazy shit. Dude has like 3900 pairs of fucking nockoff wayfarers because he once bought a 4k box because bro you lose some you gotta have some spares you know? (I just rolled my eyes and it made me dizy and pukey don’t do that)

So befoer we all moved in together Paul was dating this girl. Total sweetie she really cared about him they ere fuking adorable as fuck. Any night we went out partying and she was with us she could stop him from doing stupd by distracking him with sexy. The problem was nights when she couldn’t go out with us because he woud do something stupid and buy some shit we never stopped him because he was a fucking ebay ninja. But his girlfriend would alway check his browser history when she came over nest to see if he bouth anything stupid. She go tmad at him about buying 60 shits online that weren’t even his size so he started to delete his browser history when he drunk shopped because he didn’t want her to get mad. Anyways they broke up it was super sad like they’re still pretty close but they just knew they weren’t going to work out you know like when youre dating someone and they like have different life goals fromou yeah that was what’s up.

So yeah when we all moved in together Paul was deleting his browser history when he bought shit so we never knew he bought something until it fucking showed up at our place. THis is one of those fucking times.

So I come home from class and outside our apartment is a UPS truckand not like one of the normal UPS trucks like a fucking trucker truck this shit is massive and there’s’ two dudes in front of our bjuilding with this bosx tha’ts bigger than the both of them combined and I’m just like oh fucking no please dear god please baby jesus no and they’re like are you Paul and I literally swore at the sky I don’t even bleive in god I was just so fucking mad fuck. So I sign for the package because I’m only mostly a douche not a complete douche so anyways this box is 8 ft loong 3 ft tall and 4 ft wide it’s fucking big

So our apartment on the fifth floor the only two ways to get to it were an elevator and our fire escapes and I wasn’t getting this shit inside alone so I literally sit on our stoop for an hour until two of my roommates show up and they go get a rope and we fucking make this bullshit pulley sistem to pull it up to our balcony and then we barely get it in and we’re standing in our living room like three dicks just staring at this box because it’s addressed to “fukc you” but it’s our apartment on the label so it clearly belongs to someone or someone’ mailed us a comically large bomb and ewre all going to die. So two more assholes show up and they’re just as confused and thena couple girlfriends showed up and suddenly there’s 7 people in this apartment staring at a box like what is this shit.

So Paul gets home and sure fucking enough it’s his fucking box. So he goes and gets a box cutter and opens that fucker up and holy shit we were unprepared for what was inside.

So totally related fun fact: if you catch a shark you can’t keep it. However you can take pictures and measure it and take them to those people that stuff dead things I forget their names anyways you take them to these guys and they will make you a fiberglass replica of the shark and you can mount that fucker up on your wal all day long fuck yeah.

So Paul opens this box and starts digging through the fucking packing peanuts and he makes this face because he’s just caught something and he pulls up a fucking fiberglass shark by it’s FUCKING MOUTH and all of us are just like what in the everloving fuck is going on and he’s just like oh so that’s what I bought like literally NO FUCKING REACTION TO THE FUCKING SHARK HE IS HOLIND BY THE MOUTH. So yeah we all kinda laugh it off and we’re like this is going up in here this is awesome and he just looks at us with the most serious face ever and he’s like no this is going up in my room and we all laugh because how the fuck is that going to work but then he drags the fucker down the hall and forces it through his doorway and we’re all like okay and everyone goes to their room to either study or fuck and that’s all I hear about it for like 2 months.

So jumping forward we’re moving out because some of the people in that apartment got real jobs and abandoned us anyways we’re going around and looking at all of the damage we’ve caused and like holly shit someo f it is bad. We get to the kid next to Pauls room and I almost shit my pants.

Brad was the dude in the room next to Paul and let me tell you Brad was ALWAYS high like I bet good money his first words were bruh or some shit. Best bassist I’ve ever met though. Anyways, we get to Brad’s room and I walk in and staring directly at me is a fucking shark head. Aparenlty when Paul trie dhanging the Shark up he predictably got drunk first then also predictably got annoyed with how hard it was and smashed it through the wall. Brad probably didn’t notice for  a week.

So I’m like what the fuck is this shit and Brad’s like oh yeah thats Duke like he named the fucking shark coming out of his wall.

So have any of you ever been to a frat party? Hae you ever heard a dude sk a girl if she wanted to see his fish tank? It was always bullshit but it was a reason for them to head back to his room and bone. That’s waht Brad was doing with this fucking shark. He would ask girls he was hitting on if they wanted to see a shark head and then they would smoke a bolw and fuck.

Anyways it takes all six of us to get this fucking shark out of the fucking wall and we find out our apartment is’nt up to code because there’s literally one stud in the wall anyways whatever not important because we broke the fucking shark and Paul cried and we all agreed to never live together ever again because we were drunken messes.

read it. read it all.

Your fave is problematic: the parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago


  • is not resting
  • did not move
  • is not stunned
  • is not pining for the fjords
  • has passed on
  • is no more
  • has ceased to be
  • has expired and gone to meet his maker
  • is stiff
  • is bereft of life
  • rests in peace
  • would be pushing up daisies if he weren’t nailed to the perch
  • his metabolic processes are now history
  • is off the twig
  • has kicked the bucket
  • has shuffled off his mortal coil
  • has run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible



*movie trailer voice* what if you could go back in time…..and KILL adam sandler

actually this would be pretty cool. this guy (ideally me) would go back in time and kill adam sandler before he can make any movies but it turns out that something adam sandler did prevented an all out nuclear war. so the main character has to go back in time and laboriously recreate movies similar enough to adam sandler movies to sustain a reality that doesn’t actually have adam sandler. but there’s still things wrong with the future so he keeps having to become more and more like adam sandler, finally becoming a replacement of him. then a third character comes back from the future and kills the main character for the same reason that the main character originally killed adam sandler. in the end it implies that adam sandler was originally just one of countless time travelers trying to undo the endless cycle of bad movies but in doing so, being indoctrinated into it


the pit amiibo is really nice i’m glad i managed to get one


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