Imma start keeping a running list of every time the Gravity Falls commentaries mention what Disney S&P wouldn’t let them do
so far:
kids had to wear lifejackets every time they were so much as near a boat in Legend of the Gobblewonker. Dipper having a swordfight on an open rooftop in the next episode? perfectly fine, carry on
(personal note: the kids and Soos wear lifejackets all throughout that episode, but Stan never does. apparently, no one cares if Stan drowns)
Leaderaur’s blood had to be green because we can’t have red blood in a kids’ show. we can totally have him reach into his own chest and pull out a bone spear, though.
apparently the ‘pain hole’ made them super nervous but they couldn’t actually quite articulate a problem with it well enough to get it pulled
‘chipackers’ came about entirely because they weren’t allowed to show the kids and Stan playing poker with real chips, so Alex told the artists to make it crackers instead and then apparently that evolved into crackers that were also chips
not allowed to label a building in the pinball machine as a saloon, because apparently Disney S&P really believed their target audience for this show would know what a saloon was. (they were also totally fine with having an actual bar in the show?? was it the implication that there might be prostitutes in a saloon or…?)
however, they did also nix McGucket’s original name, which was ‘Crazy Larry’, so…even a broken clock, I guess.
Everybody talks about Anastasia, which is a shame, because it’s a far less interesting example of Russian fake heir drama than that whole business with the False Dmitries.
Okay, so Ivan the Terrible’s youngest son,
Dmitry, was assassinated in 1591 at the age of 8. Fast-forward nine years, and there’s a guy going about Eastern Europe claiming that he is Dmitry, having secretly escaped the assassination attempt and lived in hiding under a false identity ever since. This sort of business isn’t too unusual, but this guy actually pulls it off, managing to gain the Russian throne and rule for nearly eleven months before being dragged from the palace and publicly executed in early 1606. He’d subsequently go down in history as False Dmitry I.
Here’s where it gets interesting. In mid 1607, a second impostor declares himself. Bizarrely, this one doesn’t dispute the first impostor’s legitimacy; instead, he claims to be the same guy, having miraculously survived his apparent execution the year before. He somehow wins the political support of False Dmitry I’s widow, and with her vouching for his identity, he gains the allegiance of the Cossacks, rallies an army over 100 000 strong, and tries to “take back” the throne. Though his march on Moscow ultimately failed, he successfully conquered most of Southeastern Russia, which he would rule until his untimely death in December of 1610, when he was beheaded in a drunken altercation with a Tartar prince. The history books know him as False Dmitry II.
Now jump ahead three months to March of 1611, when a third fucking impostor pops up. Dude apparently just magically appeared from behind a waterfall in goddamn Ivangorod and declared himself Tsar. Following the lead of False Dmitry II, he doesn’t dispute either of the two previous impostors, instead claiming some sort of spiritual reincarnation and/or magical resurrection – it’s not entirely clear which – to establish himself as the same guy. He must have talked a good game, because he managed to win the support of the same fucking Cossacks who supported False Dmitry II’s claim. Unfortunately, he was a far less able commander, being forced to flee his stronghold only a year later, whereupon he was spirited away to Moscow and secretly executed. Though he never managed to actually rule anything, historians decided to stick to the theme and dubbed him False Dmitry III.
At this point the historical record becomes confused, with some sources asserting there was a fourth False Dmitry, though others insist that the third False Dmitry was simply counted twice due to poor record-keeping. Still, whether we’re talking about three False Dmitries or four, imagine the whole mess from the Tsar’s perspective. Dude just wouldn’t stay dead!
