me: i don’t care about doctor who
bbc: the doctor is a woman and steven moffat is fired
me: SIGN!!!!!!! ?? ME!!!!!! ?? THE FUCK!!!!! ??UP!!!!!!!! ????
had a dream last night that the Daleks got wind of the phrase “an apple a day keeps the Doctor away” and, y’know, took it literally. they built this massive fucking fortress out of fucking apples and just like chilled in there and Rose was like “doctor wot r u gonna do” and ten was just like “i’m not gonna do anything, maybe they’ll just sit quietly in their apple dome”
woke up laughing
Now I give you: training a neural network on the complete list of Dr. Who episodes. (Big shout-out of thanks to blog readers Anya and Dan, who provided the dataset!)
The input dataset was simply the list of episodes, with no extra information given to the network – it has no idea even if this is English, or words, or a list rather than a paragraph or code.
Pretty much immediately, however, it figures out that “The” is important, as are the letter combinations “Do” and “Da”. The following is output from a very early generation, with the “temperature” (think “daringness”) variable turned to a very safe setting:
The The Dant
The The Dont
If increase the temperature, forcing it to be more daring, it will try other letter combinations, but won’t give up on using “the”. Sometimes it’ll pile on a whole cascade of “the”s, in a fit of either panic or pique.
The Wed on the The The Ans
Then, it finally learns to spell “Dalek” and never looks back.
Safe setting: (Daleks. Stick with the Daleks.)
The Sires of the Daleks
The Argass of the Daleks
The Arges of the Daleks
The Wire of the Daleks
The Argoss of the Daleks
The Argass of the Daleks
The Argas of the Daleks
The Daleks of the Daleks
Adventurous setting: (Nonsense words and Daleks)
The Wirs of the Arooss of the Daleks
The Pas of the Amse
The Aaression Ware
The Amios of the Lale
The Fist of the Daad
The Girg Bans
In later generations, it has learned the tiny input set by heart, and on the safe setting is able to reproduce the actual episodes word-for-word, in order. On the adventurous temperature setting, I’m able to force the neural network to make spelling mistakes, and its attempts to move back toward some spot in the original list make for some interesting new episodes.
I give you: Dr. Who episodes produced by a rather annoyed neural network.
The Stick of the Doctor
The Keds of Death
The Twin Doctors
The Ten Doctors
The Unicorn and the Daleks
The Fires of Poop
The Beads of the Daleks
The Sontaren Beep
The Power of Tron
The Awkroids of Tara
The Agaves of The Doctor
Dinosaurs of the Deep
The Pirate Lover
The Wheeen Death
The Bile Doctors
Planet of lime
The Crows of Doom
Planet of Fire in Space
The Poupon Invasion
William Hartnell: “Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall"
Patrick Troughton: “Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a Gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.”
Jon Pertwee: “And den……………..I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11”
Tom Baker: “U must go back in time and sedouce him. It is the only way.”
Peter Davison: “he put his arm around me all protective.”
Colin Baker: “I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA.”
Sylvester McCoy: “What was DAT al about?”
“It wuz to blackmail u.” I snarked.
Paul McGann: (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!)
Christopher Eccelston: “You dunderheads!1111111111” screamed Dumbledore wisely"
David Tennant: “I’m good at too many things? WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!”
Matt Smith: “STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS”
Peter Capaldi: “I was even upset went to rehearsal with my Gothic metal band, Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I am the leader singer of it and I play guitar”
I’m so sorry.
we’ve all been there, martha