au ideas you never asked for

thespideybite:

• “HEY STOP! YOU’RE STEALING MY NEIGHBOR’S DOG! WHAT THE FU – oh, they hired a dog walker? hahaha haha.. ha… carry on”
• “i’m in the nurse’s office a lot with migraines and you’re always in here organizing her tongue depressors and i really don’t think you go to this school so what gives”
• “the building manager neglected to tell me the window washers would be coming by today so excuuuuuuse me for thinking that twenty three floors up was high enough that i could dance around in my office without being seen”
• “you’ve been awkwardly inching your way towards the human sexuality section of the bookstore i work at for like fifteen minutes are you looking for something in particular or –?”
• “you and your friends have been playing the penis game in the library for the last five minutes and none of you have gotten above a quiet yell and i’m really just trying to study over here so i’m gonna put an end to this by winning the game”
• “it’s 2 in the morning and i was just trying to get home but i left my sunroof open all day and now there’s a squirrel in my car and it scared me and i drove into a pole – would you please stop laughing you’re a cop. you’re supposed to be helping”
• “my favorite band dropped a new single today and i’ve had it on repeat for seven hours and i can see you judging me but that isn’t going to make me shut it off"
• “hey new neighbor it appears that your dog likes me a thousand times better than she likes your partner and they’re really jealous and i’m sorry but not really because hellloooooo there”
• “you can’t get tattooed drunk, come back in the morning and if you still want my name on your ass we’ll talk”