Month: January 2016

tyrannosaurus-trainwreck:

Obi-Wan Kenobi

• Classically-trained Jedi knight. 
• Apparently made Jedi master at some point.
• Kicked Anakin’s ass into a lava pit for Reasons, lies about it to everyone who wasn’t there.
• Spent twenty years day-drinking on Tatooine instead of training Luke, blames it on Uncle Owen.
• Eventually considered the best way out of a barfight to be fucking laser-sword dismembering a dude whose blaster he could have just yanked away with the Force.
• Basically lets Anakin kill him to permanently fuck up his relationship with Luke or, possibly, just to avoid having to train another Skywalker.
• As a Force-ghost, pretty much ignores Luke whenever it won’t literally kill the kid.

Anakin Skywalker

• Extremely talented but picked up later than period-typical for Jedi training. 
• First apprentice to novice knight because nobody else wanted to train him.
• Training and path subverted by Sith master who probably wasn’t too keen on getting killed by his own student. 
• Like 90% machine thanks to lava-pit incident. 
• Barely kicked Obi-Wan’s ass in the rematch.
• Consistently failed to pick up on either of his kids in spite of literally walking into one of them at one point.
• Murders high-ranking Imperial officers to deal with his feelings.

Luke Skywalker

• Being informed the Force exists. 
• Five hours with a lightsaber and a floating taser?
• Repeatedly being told to believe in himself by a voice in his head that self-identifies as a dude he barely knew. 
• A year of using his dad’s child-murder lightsaber as a fancy can-opener?
• Maybe like a week or two with a classically-trained Jedi master who didn’t want to train him and was three months away from dying?
• A few conversations with Obi-Wan’s lying-sack-of-shit Force-ghost. 
• Spends a month or so practicing the shit he’s seen Obi-Wan, Vader, and Yoda do.
• I mean, seriously, I don’t think Yoda taught him how to mind-control people, considering Yoda was like “You’re a hot mess and also you’re going to die.”  He managed to figure it out.
• Literally told he won’t be a full Jedi until he kills his fucking dad? What the hell, you guys?
• Somehow still eventually kicks Vader’s ass.
• Is absolved of any guilt for his actions thanks to Anakin’s Force-ghost joining Team Patricide?
• I mean, I think we might be dealing with the Dark Side and the So Long As We Don’t Kill for Fun Everything’s Cool Side.
• Whatever he could piece together from the deliberately-suppressed records and teachings of pre-Empire Jedi culture/pry out of the Force-ghosts.

Ben Organa

• Full-time training from a young age with the above-mentioned trainwreck. 
• Deliberately trained poorly by a twenty-foot hologram of Andy Serkis. 
• Constantly waffling about how evil he wants to be. 
• So out of control he routinely pitches destructive Force-tantrums that would put Dark Helmet to shame.
• Idolizes dude who never met an underling he didn’t want to Force-choke, still seems to focus on property damage during Force-tantrums?
• Maybe everybody just glossed over the Force-chokings? Come to think of it, did any of his relatives actually see Darth Dad mind-strangle anybody?  Maybe this was excised from the history books to save on underling replacement?
• Basically it seems like a lot of his post-Luke instruction has focused on making him useful to Darth Gollum instead of making him good at Forcing, is what I’m getting at here.

Rey

• Seems to have grown up hearing that you could do literally any batshit thing you could think of with the Force if you were a Jedi.
• Gets told she’s got a bad case of the Force.
• Really, really believes in herself.
• Doesn’t see why she can’t do it if this knob can do it.