the Fast and the Furious franchise is a homoerotic exploration of humanity’s vision of a multi-ethnic mechanised orgy of pain and fraternal bonding. In this essay I will
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Whenever
I see people quoting/referencing/parodying My
Immortal it’s always one of the same four or five lines. You know the ones.
The
iconic opening paragraph, “Hi my name is
Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair… (et
cetera).”
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”
“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS
STUDENT… BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”
“Then he put his thingie
into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.”
“And Loopin was
masticating to it!”
As
great as those are, I’d like to throw a spotlight on what I think are some
of the underappreciated parts of this classic work of fanfiction.
Ebony puts blood on her Count Chocula cereal instead of milk.
Enoby is canonically a weeaboo and speaks to her friends in Fangirl Japanese.
Harry’s scar is now a pentagram instead of a lightning bolt, so either he found
some sort of spell to alter the appearance of the scar or he actually took the time to carve a
pentagram into his forehead.
There is an OC named either Tom Riddle or Tom Rid who works at a “punkgoff” store
in Hogsmeade and has absolutely nothing to do with Voldemort, he just happens
to have the exact same name.
Tara somehow got Fred and George mixed up with Crabbe and Goyle.
The reason Snape doesn’t like Harry in this fic is because Snape is Christian
and Harry is a Satanist.
Marty McFly literally appears out of nowhere to help Enoby travel through “tim”
with his “tim machine.”
Chapter 11 ends with Hagrid singing along to “a gothic version of a song by 50
Cent.”
Voldemort inexplicably speaks in Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe.
Voldemort wears high heels.
Draco has a flying black Mercedes-Benz and a black MCR broom.
Snape has a Dork Mark on his penis.
Speaking of penises, Draco is apparently “hung like a stallone.” I guess Tara
is a Rambo fan?
The Hedwig/Voldemort sex scene, wherein Hedwig is a male human instead of a
female owl, for some reason.
Dumbledore flies around on his broomstick while holding a loaf of rye bread. At
least, that’s what I think Tara meant by “Sudenly
a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong
black bread.”
Oh yeah, and Dumbledore is an Avril Lavigne fanboy, because of course he is.
James Potter’s “goff” nickname is Samoro, because Tara erroneously believes
this to be the masculine form of the name Samara.
Draco’s singing voice is described as “a
cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson.”
Tara’s brief feud with her editor Raven, as chronicled in the author’s notes, may or may not have had something to do with Raven borrowing Tara’s sweater
and not giving it back. IDK, it’s unclear.
Voldemort smokes a “gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar.”
McGonagall has the best insults, like “horny simpletons” and “mediocre dunces” and probably some others I’m forgetting.
Dobby only appears once in the entire fic and literally all he does is watch
Snape and Lupin have sex, and then run away crying.
Sirius is referred to as Harry’s dogfather, and not gonna lie, even if it was a typo I
think that is a genuinely clever pun.
The Hogwarts janitor may or may not be Chuck Norris.
Tara accurately predicted how Harry would defeat Voldemort in Deathly Hallows. No, really. “nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so
voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!!!!!111”
This line: “Snap stated loafing
meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly.”
And this one: “‘Crosio!’ I shited pointing my wound.
Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming.”
“Azerbaijan”
“Hoes of Wax”
“Tom Bombodil”
“Cornelio Fuck”
“Professor Slutborn”
“Preacher McGongol”
“Lumpkin”
“TaEbory”
“The Bark Lord”
“Vadermort”
This is truly the classic of our generation. I want students to explicate this for AP tests.
Honestly perfect
honerfect.
This portmanteau was created from phrase ‘honestly perfect’. Beep-boop. Portmanteau^bot^1
People easily mistake neurodivergent speech patterns and communication styles for run-of-the-mill pretentiousness.
I don’t want to get too specific right now, but a lot of people who are neurodivergent (namely autistic, but there’s lots of overlap) struggle with communication. To them, writing/typing may be far easier and more natural than speaking aloud, but it can still come off as unusually formal, overly precise, or more awkwardly structured than usual. Sometimes it’s interpreted as “pretentiousness” because it doesn’t have the same casual cadence many neurotypical writers may use.
This is especially insidious because it can be an abuse response. Excessive formalism is a sign that I’m stressed and feeling threatened – I was taught growing up that people will pounce on the slightest ambiguity in anything I say to attack or blame me, so under threat I’ll do my best to nail everything down and avoid any possible misinterpretation. (It doesn’t really work, but it’s a habit now.)
To respond by attacking the formality itself is a special level of evil.
There are also really subtle aspects of pronunciation – it’s not even an “accent,” just slight different in how sounds are formed – that may come off as “stuffy” or “pretentious” but may be related to underlying speech/hearing problems.
One example is hyper-articulation of /t/, where it’s always realized as a full oral stop even in words where it could be reduced. Like saying “butter” with a fully released /t/ instead of a flap or a glottal stop (budr, bu’r). Speakers may hyper-articulate /t/ for a lot of reasons, such as over-compensating for a speech impediment. But studies have shown that hyper-articulated /t/ comes off as (variously) prissy, effeminate, nerdy, intellectual or formal.
This kind of thing is very hard to control consciously without phonetic training, and it’s even harder to realize “Wow, I’m judging that person by how they release their /t/!” But being rude to someone who “talks funny” is never okay.
Yes! I’ve mostly grown into my voice, but all through my childhood and teen years I had a distractingly articulate “accent” that often sounded somewhat fake-British. I always attributed it to being “tongue-tied” until I got oral surgery at age 11 – before then, my tongue was partially immobilized and I had to work doubly hard to enunciate and just. Overshot my mark by a little.
I grew up with abusive teachers that would size on ambiguity, parents that were hard of hearing and my own audio processing problems and now I speak like a 30’s radio announcer trying to tell a joke over a terrible signal to people who don’t speak really speak my language.
Now, I’m all for all due incredulity when reading shit on the internet— and Tumblr especially— but you cannot blame somebody for not catching a troll post on here.
It is impossible to think “this person cannot be real” with any level of certainty on this hellsite, solely for every one time you’re right and correctly identify bait, there’s another four people in the notes saying the exact same thing, hysterically passionate and deadly serious.
Posted on
Rose: If I were a flower I would be a violet because it symbolizes love between two women, and it’s my favorite color.
Dave: are you sure about that
Dave: rose
Don’t buy them if you plan on reading them on a PC or Mac! Or, like, probably at all.
Though this isn’t mentioned anywhere public on B&N’s website, they killed their desktop app and their read-in-browser function a while back, and no longer permit any form of downloading of ebooks off of mobile apps or Nook devices.
Also, “nook” is a dirty word now, so there’s that.
And since they’re in their death spiral, this also means that the app might disappear and take your books with you when they go under. So if you’ve bought books from them in the past and don’t have access in another format, now might be the time to think about how you’re gonna read those books when B&N suddenly closes the way Borders did.
It would be terribly wrong for me to advise B&N/Nook users to do a search on how to extract those files from your phone or ereader and convert them to an open format so you can continue to use them, since by the terms of your agreement with B&N you don’t own those files, you’re just temporarily licensed to use them. I’ll leave you to ponder the potential legal consequences of that, and the likelihood that anyone would enforce them.
(side note: aren’t they the ones who did a s&r in all their ebook files, converting the word “kindle” to “nook”? with very strange consequences for novels in which people started fires? which is fucking ridiculous but still not as bad as the times Amazon repossessed people’s copies of 1984 when there turned out to be a licensing problem with them, and also censored LGBT content on their website?)
And here is the reason why, ladies gents and everyone inbetween, why I still prefer physical books over ebooks.
Under no circumstances should you use a program like, say, Calibre to manage your ereader’s content, including downloading to and from the reader and converting between standard formats. That would be wrong.
I’m so glad we have all of these well-informed people letting us know how to avoid doing the wrong thing about this issue. Thanks!
