i think the basic difference between taz and cr is best illustrated by how they both handle zone of truth
in cr you have to tell the truth, but you can choose to not answer
in taz you are compelled to tell as many truths as you can get out, question-relevant or not
question: did you murder that stranger
critical role: i don’t know who that guy is (technically not a lie, since he’s a stranger)
the adventure zone: NOT ONLY DID I MURDER THAT MAN, I WENT INTO HIS CLOSET AND LICKED ALL HIS VESTS BECAUSE THEY WERE VERY STYLISH AND I NEEDED TO MAKE SURE NOBODY ELSE WOULD WANT THEM
You are a lazy super villain that’s been given a piece of software that can predict the butterfly effect of any action you put into it. Write about how you are gonna conquer the world without any effort while watching Netflix.
00:00:00: Okay, so. Figuring out how to use this KAiOS software. Some pompous dickhead calling themselves the Chronomonger materialized out of nowhere and dropped it in my lap, said that with it I would have the power to defeat Omnicroix, take over the world, ensure a future where the Chronomonger reigns, blah blah blah, you know how time travel works.
00:00:08: Question: Why me? Yes, okay, I’m technically a supervillain, part of Omnicroix’s rogue’s gallery, blah blah. But I’m C-list, at best. You’ve heard of me, right? The Bulk? Superpower: being generally massive and bulletproof and good at smashing through stuff. And, okay, yeah, kind of lazy. Look, I’m no mastermind, not like Doctor Desparia or N-Tellek or the Dark Bulb. I don’t do supervillain plots. I ate a radioactive donut once and now I can intimidate most people into giving me whatever I want, and all I want is to never have to work another day in my life. I shouldn’t even be on Omnicroix’s radar, y’know? A guy like him, protecting the world, paying attention some bum like me? Just because I’m in his strength class, I’m his nemesis or something. Not like I can fly, or move at super-speed, or think super-fast, like he can. Life ain’t fair, I’m telling you.
00:00:24: Wait, fuck, you think the Chronomonger meant to give it to the Bulb instead? Like, there was a typo in their history books?? I went by the Dark Bulk for like two minutes back in the nineties.
00:00:27: Shit, I have no idea what I’m getting into here.
00:00:89: Anyway, this KAiOS thing seems easy enough to use. You put an action into it, and then you slide down to any point in the timeline and you get to see what all the results of your actions are. Uh, okay, let’s say I try and kidnap that reporter Omnicroix is always hanging around, I don’t know what good that’ll do, but let’s see what happens…
00:05:74: Oh fuck, this is way too much information. So I’m in jail, no shit, and some guy who was around during the kidnapping ends up missing a date with his boyfriend, and one of the cops who arrested me ends up taking a detour on the way home where they witness a car accident and
because of this the price of pig iron goes up two points because the woman who was driving one of the cars is –
00:12:76: Aaahhh my head hurts
00:25:77: Okay. Calm down. Uh, let’s see here, I can change the settings to track specific people and events instead of just vomiting information at me. Okay, so let’s dial in on Omnicroix. I do something less obvious, let’s say I overturn a car and make him take a second out of his day to check it out. What happens then…?
00:38:62: Okay, so he gets exposed to negarays in a fight with N-Tellek. That doesn’t happen in the original timeline. So this is good. Let’s see how long he’s out of commission…
00:68:36: Wait, but because he was exposed to negarays, his cells were supercharged with nega-entropic energy, allowing his body to survive the trip into the Entropic Zone years later, meaning that he’s able to stop the re-invasion of Infiniac – wait, who the fuck is Infiniac? I’ve never heard of this guy. I guess I missed him because I was focusing on Omnicroix? Let me just scroll back and see if it’s a good thing that Infiniac is defeated …
00:74:43: Okay, so Infiniac wants to destroy all of reality, so I guess it’s a good thing that Omnicroix was exposed to negarays so that he could defeat him, unless…
01:00:87: So, if Omnicroix does die in his trip into the Entropic Zone, the Cosmic Coalition rises up to defeat Infiniac, but as a result Australia is destroyed.
01:37:91: Maybe it’s a good thing that Australia is destroyed???
03:14:22: Okay, okay, okay, okay. If Infiiac dies in the Hungarian-Cosmic Wars, then the Trans-Dimensional Trade Alliance doesn’t exist to prevent the start of the Orbital Wars, meaning that I (yeah, apparently my mutation also made me immortal? This is honestly the least interesting part at this point) am Third Consul to the Kaizer Imperative. But if Infiniac doesn’t die, and is instead captured alive (this is assuming I order a ham on rye next Thursday, instead of a sub) then that means he’s able to be used a fuel source for the Omnicroix Engine, meaning that Omnicroix is resurrected in Triune mode just in time to prevent the annexation of the Outer Rim by the Churniggus Enclave, meaning that the Trade Alliance exists, meaning that Orbital Wars don’t happen, meaning that –
03:14:23: What the fuck am I even talking about anymore
03:14:24: Fuck this
03:14:25: Fuck this
03:14:26: Yo fuck this shit for real
So, it’s been a couple of weeks. I finally figured out why I was given the KAiOS software to begin with. There’s a personality type that wants to solve everything, know all the angles, that type-A real ambitious personality that tries to live to their fullest and take full advantage of the opportunities they’re given. Guys like Omnicroix, or Doctor Desparia, or so on.
And then there’s guys like me.
Fuck all these numbers, fuck all the simulations. I turned the KAiOS software over to Omnicroix, told him exactly what it did. From what I’m hearing, poor guy had a nervous breakdown, being able to know the consequences of his every action or inaction. Supposedly he’s in the Silent Realms right now, taking a mental health break. The KAiOS software still exists. There’s this huge schism in the superhero community about what to do with it.
So, I don’t get bothered half as much now, and things seem like they’re going pretty well. I mean, I could’ve looked all this up before handing over the KAiOS software, ran the numbers, figured out how this would all turn out in the end.
But that would’ve cut into the time for my Netflix binging, and really, who wants to spend the effort doing that?
Omg, I love this so much!
“Maybe it’s a good thing that Australia is destroyed???“
In 1932, pilot George Palmer was flying from Las Vegas to Blythe, Calif., when he saw drawings sketched on the desert. Someone had scraped away the dark surface soil to draw three human figures, two four-legged animals, and a spiral.
Like the more famous Nazca Lines in Peru, the Blythe Intaglios had gone unnoticed for so long because they were too big! The largest is over 170 feet long. Much too big to be seen from the ground.
No local Native American group claims to have made them; radiocarbon dating places their creation between 900 BCE and 1200 CE.
are you kidding me, that first guy is spearfishing and they drew the water and fish just like modern kids with crayons do. it’s crazy to me that this particular stylization for water is so universal. and the loop fishes, and the corner sun. absolutely amazing.
