this has been said before, multiple times, by people who are a lot funnier than me, but I think it’s worth noting for posterity: Dudley’s shitty little mates all call him “Big D”. hmm. HMMMMM.
Harry’s reaction to Sirius telling him not to do anything rash is PURE GOLD. he’s literally like “um?? this guy went to prison for a decade, broke out, tried to murder someone, nicked a hippogriff and went on the lam and HE is telling ME noT TO dO AnYTHinG RAsH???” it’s a bit like when he told Harry not to use Hedwig because she’s too conspicuous after sending him letters by fucking toucan. Sirius “do as I say not as I do” Black or what?
according to Sirius, all the pureblood families are interrelated. THE POSSIBILITIES HERE ARE ENDLESS. it’s no secret that Sirius and Draco being related is my favourite thing in the world, and I know recently there’s been an uptick in people who write Luna and Draco as related, which is very cute, but I’m not sure they’re really CASHING IN ON THE COMEDY. for instance, picture this: ERNIE AND DRACO, COUSINS. what if their hair is the same shade of blond? maybe they share a nose. they definitely both have a tendency for theatrics. please imagine two chubby, pink toddlers with blond hair. they are both wearing posh nappies with their initials embroidered on them. one of them is giving the other a Chinese burn. I am so happy.
I love the aside about how they all sit and try to open Slytherin’s locket while they’re cleaning out Grimmauld Place. can you fucking imagine if it’d opened? all of them hanging around in trackies with rubber gloves on up to the elbows, armed with dusters and polish and fucking Voldemort comes bursting out of a necklace to shout at Hermione and tell her she’s gonna fail all her exams.
I’m not convinced Hermione has parents. I think she leapt fully-formed from sea foam like Venus. when was the last time she went home? has she seen her parents for longer than two days at a time since she went to Hogwarts? why are the Grangers so fucking lenient? their daughter spends ¾ of her time at boarding school in another country and then comes home for a weekend and goes, “soz mum, I’m going to stay in a grungy house in London owned by a convicted murderer. slater!” and doesn’t come home for a fucking year. what the hell, Grangers? you’re dentists! I don’t expect this sort of behaviour from dentists!
omg when Harry bumps into Lucius Malfoy at the Ministry, Lucius says, “Well well well… Patronus Potter.” I think we can safely say that Draco inherited his incredible sense of humour from his dad. phew. that was a fucking humdinger. Patronus Potter. oh god, Lucius, stop. you’re killing me. there’s literally no excuse for this greeting slash insult slash abysmal attempt at “comedy”. he must have panicked and blurted out the first thing that came into his head. no wonder Draco is such a fucking clod.
Harry has a minor crisis when Mrs Weasley puts him on the spot about Bill’s hair. she’s blathering on about how out of hand it is and how GOOD LOOKING Bill is and how it’d look SO MUCH BETTER shorter and then she goes WOULDN’T IT, HARRY? and Harry’s like “oh — I dunno —” and, I quote, “a bit alarmed.” the best thing is if you read it in the right tone of voice it’s like that arsehole friend who compliments the person you fancy right in front of you and then goes DON’T YOU THINK SO??? and does that insane smirk/eyebrow wiggle combo and you’re left like y—yeah? yeah h h ? you loo k fi ne ?? which is essentially what harry does here. essentially. it is absolutely what happens.
okay, so, regarding the whole “Notorious Mass Murderer OR Innocent Singing Sensation?” thing: what if Sirius really IS Stubby Boardman, lead singer of The Hobgoblins? I’m serious. out of every single person in the Harry Potter universe, who seems the man most likely to create an alias and start a fucking rock band? yeah. Doris Purkiss doesn’t seem so batty now, does she?
I feel like MANNERS, POTTER, OR I’LL HAVE TO GIVE YOU DETENTION deserves a bullet point all of its own, because really? really, Draco Malfoy? this sounds like a fucking PORN OPENING. you are a HOT, GAY MESS. any money he walked out of the compartment, closed the door behind him and immediately had a I Can’t Believe I Said That meltdown and Goyle had to take him down the train to get a cup of builders’ tea.
speaking of Draco Malfoy, Useless Idiot, I have chosen to believe that his emphasis on the word “dogging” was simply him putting feelers out. he’s new to the dogging scene and is testing the waters. you never know where you’ll find a fellow dogger, especially in the wizarding world. hop in a thestral-drawn carriage, park it in the forest, wait for the magic to happen.
while we’re on the subject: they’re all sitting at the Gryffindor table talking about how the hat wants them all to be mates, and Harry goes, “and it wants all the houses to be friends?” then IMMEDIATELY zeroes in on Draco at the Slytherin table. like. Haz. you are casual acquaintances with so many Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs. you could have glanced at any of them — you do, in fact, have to LOOK PAST ALL OF THEM to see fucking Draco fucking Malfoy AT THE OTHER END OF THE HALL. YOU’RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF, HARRY! YOU’RE GIVING THE GAME AWAY!
I know that the “have a biscuit, Potter” scene is everyone’s favourite bit, but that must just be because everyone’s forgotten the second biscuit-related exchange: ‘“Have another biscuit,” she said irritably, thrusting the tin at him. “No thanks,” Harry said coldly. “Don’t be ridiculous,” she snapped. He took one.’ fucking Minerva all like “you’re turning down a biccy because you’ve got the monk on with me? what in god’s name is wrong with you?”