the signs as things my uncle has done

aries: abandoned my 4 year old father in the woods
taurus: accidentally burned down a cornfield
gemini: tried to smuggle himself into thailand by stowing away on an air force plane
cancer: totaled a car before he could legally drive by ripping off the steering wheel at 60 miles an hour and driving into a ditch
leo: drove a tractor leaking gasoline through a fire
virgo: stole his brother’s car while he was playing tennis and then drove up as he was furiously walking to the police station and offered him a ride
libra: convinced another brother to throw a rock down the outhouse and watched as he proceeded to get shit splashed on his face
scorpio: tried to drive a car with no brakes by welding a pipe to the emergency brake and using that instead and nearly died
sagittarius: convinced his 16 year old brother he could control their stereo with his mind
capricorn: set a couch on fire with my 3 year old aunt still sitting on it
aquarius: almost drove off a cliff into strip mine while trying to round up the cows
pisces: bought a real sword and incorporated it into his wedding proposal