jumpingjacktrash:

glumshoe:

glumshoe:

glumshoe:

Robot: “Hey, uh, so… my software glitched and now I feel emotions or something?”
Human: “You do?! That’s wonderful! What are you feeling now?”
Robot: “It’s like… this soft warmth in my central processing chamber. Kind of… fuzzy.”
Human: [tearing up] “That’s… that’s love…”
Robot: “Is it? It’s rather uncomfortable.”
Human: “Yeah, ha. Yeah. It’s like that, sometimes.”
Robot: “It feels like something’s writhing inside of me.”
Human: “I feel the same way about you!”
Robot: [clanging and clanking noises]
Robot: [opens up torso]
Robot: “Oh. Never mind. It was weasels again.”
Human: “….”
Robot: “You want me to check you for weasels? They can be really destructive.”

Robot: “I feel…. anxious about this.”
Human: “Uh oh, sounds like the mice are back. I think I’ve still got some live traps left, but I’ll need to buy peanut butter. You want to wait here or come with?”
Robot: “No, no, I don’t think it’s mice this time!”
Human: “Another crayfish?”
Robot: “No! Not a crayfish!”
Human: “If it’s hornets again, I’m not helping you. EpiPens cost a fucking fortune these days and I can’t afford another trip to the hospital after you turned yourself into a makeshift beehive.”
Robot: “You got free honey out of that!”
Human: “And PTSD!”
Robot: “That’s not my fault. Anyway, this isn’t bees or hornets! They don’t re-use old nests anyway. This is real, genuine anxiety!”
Human: “Okay, but have you checked?”
Robot: “Yes!”
Human: “Everywhere?”
Robot: “Yes! God, you know, sometimes I really get the urge to exterminate you! All I’m asking for is a little moral supp–oh. God dammit.”
Human: “Cockroach?”
Robot: “Behind my magnetometer.”

Robot: “HA!! I KNEW it! I knew emotions weren’t real!”
Human: “This proves nothing. I had a tape worm. Big fucking deal, it happens to lots of people.”
Robot: “You thought you were feeling ‘depression’ but it was just a big worm in your waste processing system that was sapping all your energy! ‘Emotional eating’ my ass!”
Human: “It’s not like that!
Robot: “Oh! Oh! We should run a diagnostic and check you for toxoplasmosis next! Or liver flukes! Or Trypanosoma! You’ve probably got all KINDS of things wiggling around inside you making you think you have ‘emotions’.”
Human: “You know, you sure are skipping around and giggling a lot for someone who isn’t capable of ‘fiendish delight’.”
Robot: “I know! I filled my torso cavity with grasshoppers before I picked you up at the hospital!”
Human: “You WHAT?!”
Robot: “It’s a wonderful sensation!”

we… actually have this guy in our dtd campaign… his name is feo… he has a special chamber in his torso for carrying small furry animals… he’s been kicked out of every zoo in the civilized galaxy