· Sent
to Phobos, one of Mars’ moons, as punishment for assaulting CO who ordered to
fire on civilians.
· Demons
invade Mars cause UAC fucked with Hell energy science
· Kills
all the demons on Phobos
· Teleports
to Deimos, one of Mars’ other moons
· Kills
all the demons on Deimos
· Kills
Hell’s mightiest warrior, the Cyberdemon
· Goes
to Hell
· Kills
all the demons in Hell
· Kills
the Spider Mastermind, the demon who planned the entire invasion
· “Proven
too tough for Hell to contain” and is promptly ejected from Hell
· Ejected
onto Earth where demons have invaded
· Humans
plan to leave Earth but the only ground spaceport gets overrun and demons place
a barrier over the spaceport preventing humans from leaving
· Kills
all the demons and deactivates the force field
· Saves
humankind
· Receives
a transmission telling him where the armies of Hell are coming from
· Goes
and kills all the demons there
· Does
not see a solution on Earth so goes back to Hell
· Kills
all the demons in Hell
· Kills
Satan
· Goes
to Jupiter’s moon, Io, where the UAC restart dimensional gateway experiments
(because it went so well last time)
· Io
is overrun by demons
· Kills
all the demons on Io
· Kills
Satan again
· UAC
is taken under new management (because all the old trustees and stockholders
are dead) and start developing tools to prevent more invasions (good luck with
that)
· UAC
start making a Quantum Accelerator which closes invasion Gates
· The
research draws the attention of demons and they invade
· The
Quantum Accelerator actually works and the demons are locked out so the UAC’s
research continues more boldly (wow good job guys!)
· The
very next day, 7 invasion Gates open
· The
Quantum Accelerators close 6 of them but there are too many demons (so close!)
· The
last Gate remains open and is guarded by a powerful, enormous, ancient Gatekeeper
demon
· Doomguy
is on leave at the beach and is closest to the facility so he gets to the UAC
first
· Realises
the other Marines will arrive too late
· Decides
to kill all the demons himself plus the Gatekeeper
· Returns
to Earth
· The
government find out that there are still dregs of demons on Phobos and Deimos,
so they drop a fuckton of radiation on the moons.
· A
creature survives the exposure and it has the ability to resurrect demons
· The
creature revived all the demons, making them EVEN STRONGER THAN BEFORE
· A
Marine strike force is deployed and guess who’s the only survivor?
· Kills
all the demons on Phobos and Deimos again
We’re up to Doom 3 by the way.
· A
few years later and the UAC Mars base has been refurbished. Doomguy is tasked
with finding a missing scientist.
· Finds
the scientist who is trying to warn the UAC Earth base about the teleportation
experiments of Malcolm Betruger, the guy in charge of UAC Mars Division
· Tries
to tell the Marine but one of the tests loses containment and a shockwave
transforms everyone into zombies
· Demons
invade through the teleporter
· Tasked
with getting a distress signal communication card thingy
· Kills
demons with a Marine squad
· Squad
is ambushed at the EnPro Plant
· Recovers
communication card but communication equipment gets heavily damaged.
· Here
the player has a choice to send the signal via back up communications array (and obey orders) or not (so Earth
is not endangered)
· Sent
to the Delta Labs where Betruger is shown to be working directly with Hell to
invade Earth
· If
the player does not send the signal, Betruger does it anyway, hoping it will
bring reinforcement ships so demons can be sent to Earth
· Betruger
then tries to kill the Doomguy using toxic gases (BECAUSE APPARENTLY ALL THE
STORIES ABOUT THIS FUCKING DEMON MURDER MACHINE SIMPLY KINDA JUST PHASED OUT OF
COMMON KNOWLEDGE)
· Betruger
fails
· Doomguy
learns more about the teleportation experiments and how they were expeditions
into Hell to bring back specimens as well as an archaeological dig of an
ancient civilisation
· The
dig turned up the Soul Cube. What the fuck is a Soul Cube? Well friend, it is a
weapon to defend against the forces of Hell. Nice
· Betruger
took the Soul Cube and put it in Hell. Fuck
· Goes
back to Hell
· Kills
all the demons in Hell
· Kills
the Guardian of the Soul Cube
· Retrieves
the Soul Cube
· Goes
back to Delta Labs
· Discovers
that though the main teleporter is destroyed, Hell is opening a Hellmouth to
allow millions of demons onto Mars
· Then
finds out that his Sergeant Thomas Kelly was also working for Hell and has been
transformed by the demons (remember, he is technically still in service as a
Marine, despite going off alone all the time)
· Learns
the location of the Hellmouth
· Finds
Kelly
· Kelly taunts
Doomguy in a demonic voice (HE FUCKING WORKS FOR YOU! HE IS FUCKING PART
OF YOUR FUCKING UNIT! HOW THE FUCK HAVE YOU NOT FUCKING HEARD THE FUCKING
STORIES ABOUT WHAT THE FUCK THIS MAN CAN FUCKING DO???!!!!)
· Kills
Kelly
· Takes
the BFG-9000
· Goes
back to where the Soul Cube was found
· Kills
another Cyberdemon (with help from the Soul Cube)
· Seals
the Hellmouth
· Reinforcements
get to Mars (real great timing guys)
· Betruger
is shown to be reincarnated in Hell as a dragon-like demon
· UAC
detects a signal from Mars and sends a team to investigate
· The
team finds an Artifact, Hell is alerted and a new invasion begins
· A
new character, McNeil tasks the Doomguy with stopping the invasion by returning
the Artifact to Hell
· Kills
three Hell Hunters (demons who are trying to find the Artifact) and absorbs
their powers into it
· Goes
back to Hell. HE GOES BACK TO HELL. THAT
IS 4 TIMES NOW
· Kills
all the demons
· Gets
to Betruger (now known as the demon Maledict)
· Kills
him
· Goes
back to Mars
And
now we come to DOOM 2016
· Doomguy
has since performed a hostile takeover of Hell and has taken up permanent residence
to make sure no more invasions happen. He was tricked and had a temple dropped
on him, after which he was encased in a cursed sarcophagus. The UAC are
attempting to draw energy from Hell to combat the energy crisis on Earth (SERIOUSLY???!!!).
One of their scientists, Olivia Pierce, has made a pact with Hell and opened a
portal. Current UAC director Samuel Hayden opens the sarcophagus, releasing the
Doomguy.
· Retrieves
Praetor Suit – a suit made for him BY DEMONS IN HELL when his old suit was
destroyed.
· Kills
all the demons in the first section of the UAC
· Goes
to Hell
· Kills
all the demons in Kadingir Sanctum
· Goes
back to Mars
· Kills
all the demons
· Goes
back to Hell
· Kills
all the demons in Titan’s Realm
· Kills
all the demons in The Necropolis
· Recovers
a magical blade called The Crucible
· Goes
back to Mars
· Kills
the rest of the demons in the UAC at VEGA Central Processing
· Goes
to the Argent D’Nur
· Kills
the demons there
· Destroys
the Hell portal’s power source
· Kills
Pierce, who transforms into the Spider Mastermind
· Returns
to Mars
· Hayden
confiscates The Crucible as Earth is too desperate for energy to give up
· Acknowledges
he cannot kill Doomguy cause unlike Kelly and Betruger, Hayden actually has a
brain and teleports him to an undisclosed location saying they will meet again.
· Uhhhhh
DOOM 5 happens I guess.
All in
all, here are the stats:
Demonic
invasions stopped – 14
Trips
to Hell taken – 6
Attempts
on his life by non-demons – 2
Like
WHO
DARES
NAME A BIGGER BADASS
THAN DOOMGUY?
And to think, hell could have avoided this is they hadn’t killed Daisy.
